Philippa Brocklehurst
Three and a half years ago, when I began treatment for lymphoma (a very treatable but incurable form of blood cancer) God encouraged me with Rembrandt’s Red Chalk drawing of a child holding his Caregivers’ hands, learning to walk. That was exactly how I felt. Wobbly, not knowing how to conduct myself in such a new and unknown landscape. Jesus encouraged me from Hosea 11, “I’ll teach you to walk. I’ll take you up in my arms. I’ll bend down to you and feed you. I lead you with chords of compassion, with bonds of love.”
Since then, I have had eighteen infusions of chemotherapy and seventeen of immunotherapy. All that brings tiredness, nausea, poor concentration, lack of confidence, body aches and mild nerve damage. I’ve been reading a very helpful book by KJ Ramsay, This Too Shall Last – Finding Grace When Suffering Lingers. The author says, “You need to let your pain matter. Don’t rush to make everything sound more okay than it is.”
More fully embracing my emotions and sharing them has become very joining for me. It hasn’t resulted in my feeling depressed and wanting to hide. It hasn’t pushed people away. It’s allowed people to help me in all sorts of ways. It’s very joining with Jesus, who suffered so much more than me.
At times, life has felt chaotic, and it is very hard to plan ahead. One morning last year, following a CT scan the afternoon before, I was having breakfast. My phone rang. It was Amy, my haematologist.
She said, “Philippa, we need you in hospital this morning. I’m consulting with urology because there is a lump obstructing the flow from your kidneys. I want to do a biopsy of the lump on your face. And we need to start chemotherapy tomorrow.”
“I have a friend coming for morning tea,” I replied. Tomorrow, we’re going to Hanmer with friends from Auckland. Can’t this wait a few days?”
“Sorry, Philippa,” she said, “But I wouldn’t like to leave this until after the weekend.”
Well, my morning tea guest became my taxi driver. I was just going into Intervention Radiology for the biopsy when Amy rang again.
“Urology wants to put a stent in to relieve your left kidney, so they will do that this afternoon. You will need to stay in overnight for observation, then report to the day ward at 8am the next two days for chemotherapy.”
I couldn’t believe everyone in the hospital was so well briefed. They were very reassuring. My morning nurse even offered to be with me for the afternoon surgery. Another nurse in the ward asked me if I was Jeremy Brocklehurst’s Mother. He was her daughter’s dean at High School. Amy arrived with papers for me to sign. Crazily, my heart was bubbling over with joy. I felt so cared for, humanly and by God. These words of Elizabeth Elliot, missionary to Ecuador, are so true, “I am not adrift in chaos. I’m held in the Everlasting Arms.”
Jesus is teaching me how to walk this unknown and uncertain path. I’m so glad His strong right hand holds me securely even when mine is limp!
Book Resource: This Too Shall Last: Finding Grace When Suffering Lingers: Ramsey, K.J., Kelly M. Kapic: 9780310107255: Amazon.com: Books